Another week of progress

This morning we said goodbye to the biggest team we’ve ever hosted here on the ground! We enjoyed doing life with 33 high schoolers and their chaperones this past week. Their days were full of leading VBS programs in Batey Piñones and Batey Cabeza de Toro, working on the land, and teaching small groups in the classrooms. Last night, the team members shared their thoughts on their time here and talked about what God’s been teaching them. The Freedom team is praying that this week wouldn’t just be a parenthesis in their lives but that they would use their time and experiences here to gain a bigger picture of the Lord.

Not only were the high school students impacted by their experience, but our students also benefited greatly. The individualized attention was huge. Sonia is so close to reading. Anllelo and Nicol and Alejandro didn’t get left in the dust – they had people by their side who desired to keep them focused and learning. Javier has been having a rough couple of weeks, but he responded positively to some guys on the team.

Overall, this week was another step toward seeing some serious change in the lives of our kiddos. Excited for the continued progress!

DSC04460cropDSC04475crop DSC04477crop2DSC04481cropDSC04483crop2 DSC04497cropDSC04664crop DSC04524crop DSC04536crop DSC04581crop DSC04652crop

 

Beauty

Today, I’m missing the beauty of the bateyes.
I could wax eloquent, but words don’t do it justice.
I could snap 100 photos, but the colors just aren’t the same.

Nature pointing to its Creator.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.

DSC03827crop

Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
let the field exult, and everything in it!
Psalm 96:11

My Christmas Battle

Typical. Just typical. The power would go out on Christmas Eve. This is the one week we have to relax and just be a family.

The dangerous thoughts spread through my mind like poison as we sat there in the darkness.

So much for getting the boys to sleep. No fan to muffle the Christmas celebrations outside. And no blanket for Noah since the washer’s locked. This should be fun.

Leyton’s whimpering snapped me out of my selfish, gloomy reverie for a moment.

“Don’t cry, buddy – Daddy bought some new candles. We’ll be able to see in no time.”

Seriously. No electricity – tonight of all nights?! And right when I’m heating up dinner…

I listened as Scott fumbled in the drawer for the matches. And the guilt settled in.

C’mon, Ang. What a horrible attitude. You’re going to be mad about a simple power outage? This happens all the time. It’s Christmas Eve. Take advantage of these moments with your babies.

The match striking against the box brought me back from my raging, internal mind battle. A small light stabbed out into the night. I paused to stare at the tiny, flickering flame in front of me.

What verse have you been drilling into your kindergartners over the last month, Ang? Could you really have forgotten so quickly?

Then I almost heard the little batey voices shouting out in unison.

Luke 2:11. For unto you is born this day…

Scott lit another candle. Light radiated throughout the kitchen.

… in the city of David…

A third flame. More darkness obliterated.

… a Savior which is Christ the Lord.

Another shining candle. Each new light drowned out more of the shadows that had been lurking in the dining room – and in my heart.

The tea lights in the living room were glowing. I looked around at the bits of brightness that had collectively served to remedy my negative thoughts. My heart was humble and full. My eyes locked on my babies sitting patiently at the table.

“Wow, boys! Look at all the candles! Now we can see!”

“See!” Leyton repeated perfectly in his sweet, high-pitched voice.

“OK – sit tight! Dinner’s coming soon.”

My leftovers-in-the-microwave-for-dinner game plan changed to a new gas-stove strategy. As I continued preparing the food, I was left to my thoughts once again.

Lord, are you really trying to teach me this simple lesson? Surely I’ve learned it by now. I know Christmas isn’t about the turkey dinners and the lights and the perfectly planned parties and the presents. I know tonight isn’t about my Christmas Eve plans complete with electricity. Or… do I?

The candlelight danced across the oven backsplash as visions of a tiny Baby in a dingy, dirty manger waltzed through my mind. And I thanked my Savior anew for setting aside His throne, putting on flesh, and willingly laying down His life. For me.

Five ways you just know…

There are telltale signs that come with taking on the jobs of teacher and mother simultaneously. Maybe you’ve seen some of them – the crazy eyes, the slew of half-empty coffee mugs littering the house, the cockeyed couch cushions, the trail of toys from bedroom to living room… Over the months, I’ve discovered a few more ways that you just know.

You know you’re a kindergarten teacher and mother to toddlers when…

DSC04042 Ground beef and gluesticks are the first two items on your shopping list. Why ground beef? Because your family’s been alternating between tacos and spaghetti for dinner the past few weeks. And the gluesticks? Because the colored Christmas trees and numbered gingerbread houses you’re using for math centers this week demand to be glued to their cardstock partners.

DSC04039cropYour kitchen table consistently looks like it’s been hit by a paper/scissors/markers grenade and painfully sits without hope of recovery. Let’s be honest – you can’t really clean anything up. That glorious table is the only spot in the house that will hold all of the projects you’ve decided to start working on concurrently. At least the mayhem covers up your 22-month-old’s crayon art from last week. The only plausible solution to the fracas must be to buy a second kitchen table.

DSC04048crop

Your pet peeve is not being able to fill that last empty section of laminating sheet. The dilemma: laminate now, waste the space, but finish preparing for the next day? Or laminate later, risk ruining a few visual aids at school, but wait to find the piece of paper that will fit perfectly in that little area? OK, maybe this one can be filed under “You know you’re an OCD kindergarten teacher when…”

DSC04026crop

Your family Christmas tree is finally assembled several weeks late, and your new mantra to the smallest members of the household is, “DON’T TOUCH – JUST LOOK.” You’re also still deciding if the faint smell of burning electrical wires is something to be concerned about, or if you should just chalk it up to buying cheap-o Christmas lights.

DSC03983Your heart swells with pride at the glimpses of learning and growth you catch in the middle of the hustle. It happens when your students get so excited about the circle they just drew that they incessantly shout your name from ALL the way across the room. And when you don’t come soon enough, they rocket out of their seats to shove their precious, dirty faces right in front of yours in their valiant attempts for a little recognition. It happens before bed when your three-year-old asks to read the Christmas story and tells you all about the baby Jesus. And it happens again when your kindergartners sit so still and hang on every word of that same, beautiful Christmas story.

You realize that life is hard as a mother-teacher. But you know that in the middle of the exhaustion and frustration, you wouldn’t give up the great privilege to care for these treasured ones. You’re still learning that it’s OK if things aren’t perfect – that you can concede the varied, aesthetically-pleasing meals and perfectly-placed Christmas ornaments if it means that God allows you to play a small part in the lives of these beloved children.

Edward and a Proud “Momma”

Teaching kindergarten feels like being a part of one great big family.

There have been frustrating moments. My kids don’t always want to listen. Sometimes they complain and cry. They are hard to please – they want routine, but they want variety within that routine. It’s been a huge learning experience for all of us as we do life together.

There have been some “momma-bear” moments with these kindergartners, too. If I see older children in the bateyes bothering or making fun of our students, it makes me so angry inside! I’m surprised by the protective feeling that comes with being a teacher to these little ones.

There have also been some proud moments where I’ve watched these students take huge steps in learning. Even today, I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as Achuchu repeated Luke 2:11 word for word in English (OK, so maybe there was one little hiccup, but my momma-pride demanded that I brush over that little blunder and gave him a sticker anyways.)

Another little guy who has recently caught my eye and stolen my heart is Edward.

Edward is the newest little ball of cuteness to join our “family”. When he started school with us this year, he was dreadfully behind the rest of the kids. However, he’s catching up at lightning speed! He is actually one of the best at enunciating and repeating in both Spanish and English. Kurt has been helping him recognize and correctly form the letters in his name. At the beginning of the year, Edward had no idea how to trace letters in his writing notebook. Now he needs little help in copying the letters across the page. This kid has some serious potential. His charming smile and delightful little laugh put me in a good mood every time he’s around. You could say that I’m one proud “momma”!

DSC03835

Not yet.

Relationships deepen as time goes on. Marieli’s mother has been opening up a bit more each day. She’s recently taken to sharing her morning coffee with me – what a sweet gesture. One day before school, a Christian radio station was playing throughout her little green house. I took the opportunity to ask if she was a believer – she gave me the “no, not yet” response that is typical of this culture, but that she enjoys listening to what the preachers have to say. She asks about my babies almost every morning. She loves her little Marieli fiercely – you can see it in her eyes.

Pray for this lady. Another soul not yet aware of her great need for a Savior.

Pray for me. I want to take advantage of every opportunity I have with her. I want to be wise yet bold – I want to show patience and love yet speak the truth. More than anything, I want her to make the greatest decision she could possibly make this side of heaven – to befriend Jesus and live her life for Him.

DSC03702crop

Anticipating Thanksgiving and Learning to Let Go

The pumpkin roll is in the oven. The pasta salad and guacamole are both chilling. The veggies are cut, and the potatoes are ready to be peeled and mashed in the morning. The pumpkin layer cheesecakes are cooling on the stove. The deluge of food held at bay in the refrigerator will undoubtedly flood the kitchen if I dare open the door. (Before you go thinking WonderAng made all that food by herself, accolades must go to Katie, Scott, and Yuleisy for their hard work prepping this overabundance of pumpkin-y goodness. I sure hope “accolades” and “sharing-my-turkey-and-stuffing” aren’t synonyms in the thesaurus…)

For the record, I am super-duper excited about Thanksgiving. I love food (see above paragraph). And games. And laughing. And getting an extended weekend to mentally recharge my brain-dead self.

But one of the things I’m most looking forward to is simply spending some time with my babies.

I don’t think I truly understood the plight of the working mom before becoming one. Since moving to the Dominican, I have added the role of teacher to my repertoire (yes, I did just say “repertoire”, and yes, I do think I deserve a cookie for saying it). In all seriousness, one of my biggest struggles has been figuring out how to balance work and family. There are days I can’t seem to cast off the guilt that comes with not accomplishing everything on my daily docket. I just want to cook dinner for my family and clean my house and keep up with the laundry and spend time with my husband and bathe my kids and have perfectly planned kindergarten lessons and exciting activities and a seamless curriculum and…

Then reality hits. And I realize that where I want to be and where I actually am as a wife, mother, and teacher are on completely opposite ends of this spectrum that I call my life.

I look at the Proverbs 31 woman and then look in the mirror and think, “There is no way I’ll ever be that.” I fall so short. When I get to the end of the day, absolutely exhausted and with so little crossed off my to-do list, I can’t help but let the frustration and apprehension and worry take reign for those last few moments before I drift off to sleep.

But thankfully, God’s been sharpening me and growing me over the last few months. He’s been showing me that my mind’s dial has been turned to the “wrong-thinking” position and that my perspective has been bent. I’ve recently been learning how to release the insecurities and regrets and feelings of not measuring up. I’ve been challenged to quit comparing myself to others and to just complete the tasks God has for me each day instead of looking to finish the jobs I’ve assigned myself. Some days I do better than others at finding this mental balance. I hate that I often give certain situations over to my Savior, only to later take them right back out of His hands – as if I know how to better handle them than He does. It’s been painful, this chiseling process. Letting go is a hard lesson to learn, and I don’t think I’ve aced it yet.

I know that I want to let the Lord have control of every area in my life – even in this battle of the mind. I’m praying that this Thanksgiving weekend allows me some moments to just reflect. Maybe while I’m scarfing down a second third piece of pumpkin pie, I can remember once again the amazing blessings I have in my family and in the opportunity to work here in the Dominican. I want to be able to share the testimony Jesus gave of His time spent in this world: “[Father,] I have glorified thee on earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do” (John 17:4, KJV).

Diana

Diana

It’s been 4 months since school started. I feel like I’m finally getting to know some of our kindergartners and understand what makes them tick. But I still haven’t figured out Diana. This beautiful little girl lives in Batey Lima with her grandmother. She’s not the brightest student in the class, but neither is she a big troublemaker. Since she doesn’t necessarily beg for extra attention, I can overlook her unless I’m consciously seeking her out. This week, I want to find some special time to focus on Diana and to learn something new about her. God’s got a plan for this precious little one whose very soul is hanging in the balance.

On newness and perfectionism.

So I want to start something new here on the blog. Weekly updates. *gulp*

Those who know me realize that I get really, really, really, REALLY excited about new stuff. I loved going back to school after the long, hot months of summer – the sharpened pencils, unscathed schoolbooks and perfectly white tennis shoes were enough to make me ready to learn. (Nerd much?) And you can blame it on that weird preggo-nesting phase if you want, but when Noah and Leyton were born, I was so excited to organize all of their secondhand-but-new-to-me clothes, toys, bottles, and crib sheets that I’d spend hours stacking and placing them exactly where I thought they’d best fit in our little house. New packs of gum, new books, new house decorations, new traditions, new roads to explore, new CD’s still shrink-wrapped in their little cases, new journals, new recipes, new ideas… I love it all.

New speaks of fresh beginnings. Of clean slates. Of potential for greatness. (Ok, so I’m not sure how a pack of gum holds potential for greatness, but you get my point.) New brings with it all kinds of hidden possibilities.

I’m nervous. You wanna know why? Because I’m a perfectionist. When I buy something new or start something new, I want my experience with it to be perfect.

In middle school, I had to write out my spelling lists for homework. I was so eager to pull out that fresh, crisp sheet of wide-lined notebook paper and begin copying the letters. But if I made even one mistake, I’d rip up the whole sheet and start again. (Yes, I realize that I probably need medical help.) When I start journals or blogs, I get so frustrated if I miss a day or if my words don’t flow perfectly. I don’t even attempt to make New Year’s resolutions anymore because, who am I kidding? I can’t make it a month without breaking my word.

So saying something as little as “You know, I’d like to start updating my blog weekly” scares the mess out of me. Because I know I’m going to fail.

If I’m really going to try to do this, I’ve got to give up some of the perfectionism that holds me hostage. I’ve got to concede that my words won’t always be eloquent or profound or beautiful. I’ve got to be OK if I miss a week because I was planning some lessons for my kindergartners or holding a sick baby. I’ve got to pick up where I left off. I’ve got to be all right with being imperfect.

I know the newness of this desire to write more will wear off soon. But I just want to remember more often. I want to savor the little moments with family and students. I want to be able to look back over the documented years and pinpoint moments where I can see God’s invisible hand so clearly guiding. I want to remember the stormy seasons of life and how it often felt like I was drowning but how God was always there with me, holding me close while the boat rocked. I want to see how God changes my way of thinking as time goes on.

So here’s to something new. Here’s to writing more and remembering more and praising more. Here’s to praying that my Father gets some glory – from imperfect, little old me.

The little stuff (or maybe it’s the big stuff after all)

Sometimes I feel like I only write about the big things going on in our lives – the difficult struggles, the huge joys, the deep pain, the answered prayers. I thought I’d just share some little stuff from the week – things that have made my heart happy in the midst of the ‘daily grind’.

The kids are starting to lead out in prayer! I almost cry when I hear one of their little voices sounding out the typical “Señor Jesús, Te damos gracias…” that starts their conversations with Jesus. Marcia, Sonia, Chiquito, Nika and Yeanny have all volunteered this week.

Yeifrey has been exceptionally “roller-coaster-y” recently. I feel like I walk on eggshells with him – that he may explode at any moment. This week, I’ve really seen him searching for some extra love and attention. Each day during writing practice, he grabs my arm and says, “Miss Angela, please just stay…”

Sonia led her entire small group during center time today! We were short-handed when we first started centers, so I just gave her the little worksheet and told her what I wanted. I asked her to explain to the others how to match the color names to the crayons. I’d look up every once in awhile to check on them, and they were staying on task better than any group so far – without a teacher there! Sonia is one smart little gal. So proud of her.

I’d be lost without my helpers in the classroom. Our Dominican teacher Mery seems to know the days I have no strength. She leads the kids with confidence and creativity and energy. Kurt interacts and plays with the kids – he’s recently taken on the task of helping struggling students learn to write their names. Gabe has been great about doing whatever I ask him to do. And Katie fills in all of the gaps to keep things moving throughout the day. Prepping notebooks and pouring juice and dishing out hand sanitizer and talking with kids in the corner aren’t the most splendid of ways to spend one’s time. But in my mind, those humble jobs are the very ones I imagine Jesus rewarding someday as we stand before Him.

Recently, I’ve just really felt the presence and closeness of the Lord in the classroom. I don’t know who all is praying for us, but I can attest that God has been helping me personally as of late. Days are still chaotic, emotional, and draining. But through the struggles, I can feel my Savior’s gentle leading. He is so very faithful – even in the little stuff.